The Rev. Dr. Sheldon Nix: The power of a father and a mother in the black family

The story of the black family, and of black men in particular, that is often told in our society is that black men are living marginal lives at best and have abandoned their many children and don't want to be involved.

A young African American man I'll call Alex told me sobbing in a group session I was leading one day that "If my father had loved us like he loved his new children (by his second wife), I would never have become addicted." He bought the almost always false idea that his father had not wanted to love him and his siblings. That version of the story misses the real reasons some black fathers aren't involved with their children.

Alex began to see his father differently when another man in the group told him in tears (yes, black men cry) that in his first marriage, he was often high, often out with other women, and not connected to his first group of children. The stresses of life and marital struggles were major factors in his lack of involvement with his kids. But now, he told us, he was remarried, had become a serious Christian, was drug free, and had a good career. And he was trying to be a good husband and father to his "new" family with the support of his church. That's not a "turnaround" story we often hear.

And then there are the stories of black men like my father Theophilus, Delaware's second black attorney, who stayed with my mother for 56 years until he died and was a great dad. That's another kind of story that doesn't often get told. We have to understand the multiple "father stories" in our communities, the different patterns of involvement and parental effectiveness and the factors that influence involvement and effectiveness, if we are going to strengthen the black family.

And it's shocking how much it matters that fathers be involved in the lives of their children. In Delaware, 40.1 percent of white children are born to single mothers, but 72.1 percent of black children are born to single mothers (Source: Kids Count 2014). And the impact of that one fact is shattering. Just take poverty. A child in Delaware living with two parents is living in a household earning $82,058 a year on average. A child living with just one parent is living in a household earning just $25,201 – over three times less income (Source: Kids Count 2014).

Put another way, the poverty rate for kids drops dramatically when the child is living with two parents (biological or step-parents). Nationally, children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor, and significantly more likely to end up in prison, end up using drugs, become pregnant as teens, end up dropping out of school, and yes, end up dead.

"Helping fathers of all ethnic and racial backgrounds improve their own lives and helping them be good fathers and partners is the purpose of the Delaware Fatherhood & Family Coalition" says Mary Polk, founder of, the state's largest father-focused organization (www.DFFCdads.org). With over 150 organizations and leaders as members, the coalition is spearheading a movement to promote father involvement in the lives of their children, and to enable effective co-parenting between fathers and mothers regardless of whether the two biological parents are still together as a couple.

As the Complexities of Color Agenda makes clear, there are other "pillars" upon which we must rebuild our struggling community. But the enormous impact of father absence on the lives of our children makes a compelling case that, in addition to the vital task of supporting single mothers, we must also strengthen father involvement.

The Rev. Dr. Sheldon Nix is coordinator of the Delaware Fatherhood & Family Coalition.

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Stress is another factor that can negatively affect our heart health. We all have some stress in our lives, but families experiencing high-conflict relationships may be exposed to unhealthy levels of stress. In addition to affecting heart health, unhealthy levels of stress can lead to chronic fatigue, depression or over-use of substances such as alcohol.

Recognizing the signs of unhealthy conflict in a relationship allows couples and families to address concerns and work together to improve relationship skills as a strategy for reducing stress. Wonder how well you manage conflict? Visit our Virtual Training Center and take the Conflict Management Course, part of our Core Marriage and Healthy Relationship Skills (4-part series) and find out. Healthy communication and conflict management are part of a healthy lifestyle just like eating right and regular physical activity. Take advantage of the tips and resources below to assist you and the families you serve in strengthening relationships and getting heart healthy.

Information from the National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage and Families

Research shows that improved emotional, social, physical, and spiritual health leads to better outcomes for couples and families. Couples can support each other in improving their health by doing activities together or encourage each other to do activities alone or with friends. Here are several tips to keep yourself and your relationship healthy

• - Practice deep breathing and other stress management techniques, which are available in many communities at no or low cost through community centers and health centers.
• - Focus on relationship maintenance strategies such as eliminating distractions (TV, phone) during meals.
• - Spend time together in the community; volunteer to serve meals once a month at a homeless shelter, for example.
• - Go for a walk together after dinner, and/or limit fast food intake to once a month.

Information from the National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage and Families

For more tips to support healthy relationships, see the Resource Center tip sheet, "Why good health matters in relationships."

The training will be facilitated by Sussex County Leadership Committee President: Wade G. Jones. The trainings will review the Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition:
Mission: As a united change agent, we are committed to building a sustainable community coalition that champions father involvement and supports healthy adult relationships, specifically effective co-parenting which in turn provides positive outcomes for Delaware children and communities,
Vision: The envisions healthy and resilient Delaware children whose fathers are involved and parents effectively work together Organizational Structure, Key Components of Father Involvements,
Facts, Statistics and Myths Roles and Responsibilities of an Ambassador and the four (4) Strategic Priorities:

Priority 1: Promote Father Involvement as a Positive Influence - Increase community awareness of the importance of and commitment to father involvement in the lives of their children.

Priority 2: Build a Self-Sustaining, Self-Determining Coalition - Stimulate a broad-based positive social movement to combat father absence and promote father involvement.

Priority 3: Provide DFFC Education & Technique Assistance Opportunities: Provided fatherhood and healthy adult relationship educational opportunities and technical assistance to increase the capacity of the community to support father involvement.

Priority 4: Promote Fatherhood & Co-Parenting Services: Promote fatherhood and healthy adult relationship services and activities by DFFC members.

Back on Track Involved Youth Spread Thanksgiving Cheer

On November 20, the Back On Track youth participated in Feeding the Homeless for Thanksgiving. This event is held every year at Ecclesia Worship Center in Dover.   The Back On Track youth served over 30 people and their families from two different homeless shelters in Kent County.   All the youth participated in preparing gift bags for each individual, setting up for the event, serving Thanksgiving dinner, and cleaning up.  Feeding The Homeless this year was a good experience and each youth was happy to participate.  The youth said that participating showed them that it's important not to judge others because some families are not as fortunate as others.  It helped them feel thankful and blessed for what they have.

For the first time in their eight years, Megan O’Donnell’s twin girls will wake up Christmas morning at their mother’s home.

O’Donnell is like thousands of families raising children while not in a relationship with the children’s other parent.

“We have been blessed because we (her and her daughter’s father) are friends,” O’Donnell said. “But I cried tears of happiness when they decided to be here.”

The holidays are a particularly difficult time to navigate for both parents and children in such households. Parents living this lifestyle say cooperation is key during the season of giving.

In Delaware, Family Court publishes guidelines setting definitions for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as nonbinding guidelines to be used when cooperation is beyond a child’s parents.

In terms of child visitation, Christmas day actually begins at noon Dec. 25. With Christmas Eve beginning at 6 p.m. the day before.

“The contact guidelines are merely suggestions,” explained Leslie Spoltore, partner at Fox Rothschild, LLP in Wilmington and a specialist in family law. “If the matter goes to court, the court is going to hear and take evidence on what is in the best interests of the children and fashion a custody order in their best interest.”

But negotiating beyond the basic recommendation of alternating holidays isn’t easy when the emotions of child rearing and the holidays come around, parents said.

“It can suck the joy out of the holiday,” said Sharif Green, of Wilmington, who has two daughters, one 9, the other 3, with different mothers.

Green said animosity between parents can breed cruel games with the kids stuck in the middle.

“The year before last, she wouldn’t let me see my daughter. We were not getting along well and I really didn’t care to celebrate the holiday at all then,” Green said.

Beyond withholding visitation, there are sometimes mind games that pit one parent as the bad guy in the child’s eyes as a holiday approaches.

These games not only damage the parent, but also hurt the kid, according to Wade Jones, who leads the Sussex County Leadership Committee for the Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition and is a behavior health consultant for the state working in middle schools.

“You are asking the child to address grown issues and they do not have the life experience to deal with that,” Jones said. “Most children tend to personalize it with them being a direct link to the breakup. I think you have some children that are torn with not wanting the other parent to know they had too much fun at the other house.”

Jones said he sees the pressure of the holidays on children as they think about how much time will be spent with either parent. This stress manifests through depression and other signs, Jones said.

“A lot of kids are torn with the type of emotion to show to the other parent because they are fearful of hurting their feelings,” Jones observed.

Both Jones and Lillian Rogers, who administers a six-hour parenting class mandated for divorcing families by Family Court, said fostering some sort of working relationship with the other parent is key to creating the best holiday environment possible for a child.

“I ask parents to really focus on putting whatever broke up their relationship on the side,” Rogers said. “Your focus should be a ticker tape running through you head with ‘what is the best interest of my child.’ If you feel like doing something to the other parent for spite, how is it going to effect that other child?”

This may mean disregarding previous traditions or your own holiday joy for what is best for the child, Rogers said.

“I’m the oldest of 12. I can recall the joy and harmony and spirit of Christmas. That is a great experience. Would I rather her have that and open presents with brothers and sisters or open up gifts here with just me,” said Jonathan Wilson, referring to his 3-year-old daughter Talina. “Co-parenting isn’t easy. You have to evaluate your feelings and keep emotions in check.”

Most often it means biting your tongue, said Adrianna Harris, Georgetown mother raising a 5-year-old girl.

“I just bite my tongue and act like nothing is wrong,” Harris said. “It is important to me. I just don't want her to have a bad image, I don't want to make him look like a bad person.”

That can be tricky, Rogers said, recalling calling up her friends and shouting at them to vent before her ex arrived to give the kids Christmas gifts.

“When all those feelings are coming, I would go out of earshot to a phone, call a friend and say ‘don’t even respond to me’ and I would go off,” Rogers said. “So when he would come, I wouldn’t have the compulsion to do that.”

Ultimately, breaking down the barriers stopping cooperation in the parent’s relationship is key to navigating the holidays and all other times, said Wilson, who is also the executive director of Wilmington non-profit Fathership Foundation, which focuses on male parenting education and support.

It takes time, Green said noting he and the mother of his eldest daughter have built an understanding through the years. But even as the years go by and estranged lovers hearts soften, it’s still difficult.

“The hardest part: the holidays are supposed to be for families, but when you experience this type of division, it kind of diminishes the concept of family,” he said. “It goes deep. It is difficult.”

Contact Staff Writer Xerxes Wilson at (302) 324-2787 or xwilson@delawareonline.com.

For more information on the Fathership Foundation visit:http://www.fathershipfoundation.org/.

For more information on the Delaware Fatherhood and Family Coalition visit:http://www.dffcdads.org/.